October 31st, 2011 - Dear Jacquie, it is Halloween today. I wonder what you are doing? Me, I am remembering all the Halloweens we had together. I am remembering you and TJ and the different costumes you wore. I am remembering all the fun we had going out to get candy and treats, and then coming back to the house to sort through it all. I am remembering your dad teeling you both that he needed to "check" the candy bars to make sure they were ok, by tasting them! I can hear you both saying how he wanted all the good ones. I am remembering how as you both got older, the costumes became more grown up and that I felt a little sad that you weren't children anymore. I missed the funny little characters you had been. Tonight, the children will come to the door in their costumes and I will be wishing more than anything that you would be answering it with me, and exclaiming delight over how cute they all look. And again, I will be asking "why Jacquie".
My Jacquie, I miss you and I love you. I love you the sun and the moon and all the stars in the sky. I love you the wind and the rain and the beautiful rainbows they make. I will love you forever and ever and always and longer than that, with all my heart and soul. I love you with each beat of my heart and every breath I take. You dressed as a Princess for more than one Halloween, but you always were, and always will be, a Princess to me. Love, your mom
PS: Please say a prayer for the Millers, they need all the love and hope we can give them.
October 29th, 2011 - Dear Jacquie, I think it is time for me to say thank you to you again. Thank you for all the feelings you shared with me. Thank you for all the stories you told me- about how your day went, your friends and your dreams. Thank you for all the times YOU were there for ME, to help me sort out my thoughts and confusions. Thank you for helping me to know myself better. Thank you for all the times you spent your free time with me doing special things and making wonderful memories, when you could have been hanging out with your friends. Thank you for all the times you were my best friend- the best friend a mother could have, her daughter. And thank you for all the times you told me I was your best friend. Thank you for all the times you made me feel like a somebody. Thank you for all the times you BELIEVED in me and had faith in my dreams. Thank you for all the giving you gave me, the hugs and kisses and for the love you gave without end.
My Jacquie, you know I miss you, but do you know how much? You know I love you, but do you know that my love grows each minute of each day? Do you know that Someday we we all be together again, the way it is supposed to be? We will. Until, know that I love you forever and ever and always, and longer than that, with all my heart and soul. You are My Jacquie, My Daughter, no matter that we are apart right now. I am your mom, and will be forever. I am waiting for you in my dreams. Love, mom
October 25th, 2011 - Dear Sweetheart, I seem to be more into poems than I used to be, maybe because when I read poems now, they mean more because we are living them. Before you became ill, I would read a poem or a story, and try to understand the reason behind it but it was hard. I could not seem to feel what the person who wrote it was feeling. Now, unfortunately, I can. So words have much different meaning now and because of that, I pay more attention to them. I saw this poem yesterday, and although some of it doesn't feel right, some of the words are words that my heart feels so I want to write and say them to you. The name of the poem is "Wings of an Angel", and there was no author listed. I may have written this to you before, but I don't remember, so here it is, My Jacquie:
You have a Guardian Angel
Who watches over you,
Everywhere you go,
And everything you do.
This gentle slent helper
Is there to be your guide,
To shelter and protect you,
And walk right by your side.
Your Angel will always help you,
Whenever things go wrong.
Like glorious wings that guide your feet,
As life's path you walk along.
Feel this calming presence,
Be enfolded by its love.
And let your life be guided,
By a power from above.
I try to always remember that you are my Guardian Angel, and that you are always with me. Sometimes, when things get to be too much, and I feel like giving up, I talk to you or sing to you, and you find a way to let me know that I can get through whatever problems are. I do BELIEVE in Guardian Angels, more now than ever. I BELIEVE this because if you weren't still with me, I don't know where I would be now. You are not only MY Guardian Angel, but so many others as well. You must be very busy keeping track of all of us, and finding a way to help us all. Then again, you have always been like that- helping family, friends and even strangers. So none of us should be surprised that you have not left us alone to face our fears and problems. We should not be surprised that you find a way to send us strength and couraga when we need it most. You are amazing and we all know it.
My Daughter, we have rainy and cold weather today, again. I know that when you can you will send us a little sunshine from your smile. Until then, my memories will have to be the sunshine. I miss you. I love you. I will love you forever and ever and always, and longer than that, with all my heart and all my soul. Time goes on, but time stands still. And I wait. I wait to be with you again- all of us. The 4 Hirschs together again, the way it was meant to be. I wait for a sign from you that you are near and hope you never forget that I am with you always and forever near you. I love you, mom
October 22nd, 2011 - Dear Jacquie, I miss you. Today at the gym while I was teaching, I thought of you so much of the time. Everywhere I looked, I saw you and what you brought to the lives of so many children. And I heard the little ones laughing and giggling while we played with the parachute, and I could hear you laughing with them. I saw the joy and happiness on their faces, and I saw your face filled with the love you had for each of them. I heard the excitment in their voices as the asked for "more, more more", and I heard your voice telling them"ok, just once more because your parents are waiting to pick you up!". And I asked "why". I want to be the best teacher I can be. I want to be able to make you proud. I want to be the one a child remembers long after they have grown up and had children of their own. I want to be the teacher you were. I want to make a difference the way you did. I want to teach children what you taught me. I want them to learn to be confident and self assured. I want them to see their successes and be proud of them. I want them to see their mistakes as a chance to learn and grow and change the next time. I want to teach them to respect others and themselves. I want them to learn that life is not a free ride but is a wonderful trip if you are willing to work hard. And I want them to learn that life should come with instructions, but it doesn't so we learn as we go along. I want to show them that they are each deserving of love and that love should be shared. I want them to know that life is what we make of it each day, and time cannot be gotten back. You told us to make every moment count and I want the children to know that the best moments make the best memories. I wish they could have all known you- you should have been the one teaching them all this.
My Jacquie, I love you and I miss you. I will always lovey ou- forever and ever and ever, and longer than that, with all my heart and soul. I know you brought the sunshine today, because my heart was feeling so dark and heavy. Thank you, Sweetheart, for giving me a sign that you are with me always. I am always with you, always here for you. Whenever you need me, just visit me in my dreams, I am waiting for you. My heart holds you close, my arms hold you closer. With all my love, your mom
October 18th, 2011 - Dear Jacquie, my dear and wonderful daughter- I know we all have days, times in our lives, when it seems as though the sun has gone away and will never shine again. Times when the dreams we were dreaming of and counting on to come true, are a very distant memory. The dreams seem to have forgotten how much we wanted them to come true, so they went away. Times when our hopes for the future are destoyed, with nothing but pain and suffering in it's place. I know everyone has those times, not just us. And I guess that makes it worse for me, knowing that others are going through this and I can't seem to find a way to help. I know that nothing will change what is happening, or has happened to others, but just trying to find a way to say I care, and the words to say I am so sorry, is so hard. I wish there was a book that had words in it that would convey caring thoughts and what is in my heart. It is a struggle sometimes to talk with those going through what we did, and not want to just cry and scream, because I can't say what needs to be said. I look to the sky and ask for your help, but I know that I am one my own. If you could please just try to put the right words in my head so that I can say something, anything, that might take even a little of the pain away- even for just a moment. I know that you never thought you were a good writer and good at putting words down on paper, but My Jacquie, you amazed me all the time with how you could write from your heart. YOU are an amazing writer, so once again I ask for your help and guidence, to find a way to say what needs to be said.
My Sweetheart, I miss you. These days are rainy and cold and but heart warms when I think of you- when I see your smile in my memories and hear your laughter. Please remember to stay by my side and let me know you are with me, I love you, and I will remember our wonderful times together forever. I will love you forever and ever and always and longer than that, with all my heart and soul. My heart beats for you and each breath I take is for you. I will wait until we are together again, and then we will never have to be apart. Can you feel my love? Can you feel my touch? Can you feel how much I love you?. I love you, My Daughter, love- mom
October 15th, 2011 - Dear Jacquie," A daughter needs a mother to teach her that friends are one of life's most precious gifts". Today, My Jacquie, you saw that for yourself. Today was your 3rd Annual Clinice For A Cure. Today, over 130 gymnasts and dozens of gymnastic coaches and judges got together to share ideas on teaching and coaching, to help each other's gymnasts get off to a great start on the season, and to raise money for your foundation. This event was born from a little idea our very good friend Larry had 3 years ago. He asked us what we thought about hosting a clinic to benefit the gymnasts and The Jacquie Hirsch For ALL Foundation. He set everything up, and the first one was held at our gym, with about 60 gymnast participating. Today, the number has more than doubled and we raised more than $5000 for your research fund at Roswell. The past 3 years have raised more than $13,000- FOR YOU!!!!! Each and every coach and judge that participates donates all their time and knowledge- for you and the children. They come from near and far to help and you know what a honor that is for you. You know that the gymnastic community can be territorial about their gymnasts and ideas, but none of that mattered today. I BELIEVE that in our area, most of the gyms, the judges and coaches we have here are truly dedicated to doing what is best for the sport and not just themselves. I also BELIEVE that there are few, if any, other areas in the country who do anything like this. Our freinds are amazing and it was beyond humbling to look around the gym today, and see what our friends, and "friends not yet met", were able to achieve. Once again, we will be sending out our thank yous to all the gyms, coaches and judges who gave so much of themselves to make your event a success. And once again, I will find myself knowing that no matter what words are used to say "thank you", they will never be able to express the words in my heart. There are never the right words to thank people for not forgetting you and your life, and for supporting our dream to make your dream come true. Out of all the things I do for your foundation, writing thank yous are the most difficult of all, because I want so badly to be able to tell people how very much their support means to all of us. And the words on the page just never seem to be enough, or the right ones, no matter how hard I try. You should be very proud of what you have done to have so many people want to help your dream happen. I am so proud of you, My Jacquie. I wish you could have been there to help, to share the laughter and joy, to see the smiles of accomplishment when something knew was learned, and see all those excited little girls and young ladies. You would have loved it. I missed you.
My Wonderful Daughter Jacquie, You know I miss you, you know I love you. But what you will not know is how very much, because love for you in my heart you can't see. When we are together again, I will show you, and then you will know. Until then, I will love you forever and ever and always, and longer than that, with all my heart and soul. As cold and rainy as it is right now, the memory of your smile and laughter brings a little bit of sunshine to the darkness in my heart. Please don't leave me on my own, I need you. With all my love, your mom
October 12th, 2011 - Dear Jacquie, many times when I am thinking of you, my mind makes up little rhymes. Little words that really don't mean anything to anyone but me. This morning, I woke up and thought some words that sort of go together, so I am wrinting them to you. I hope the silly words make you smile and remember the songs and poems we used to make up and try to make sound really good. We didn't always succeed, but we had so much fun doing it. This not-so-poem poem, is for you, Sweetheart.
Each morning when I wake, I look at the sky.
And ask the same question, I ask myself "why"?
Why aren't you here, where you belong
Why aren't you here, singing your songs.
And dancing your dances, teaching children more
Why aren't you here, doing what you were sent for.
You were sent here from heaven, to share life and love
Then taken too soon, by those up above.
You left us too soon, there wasn't enough time
You had much more to give, much more to shine.
Now I must wait, to be with you again,
And hold you in my arms, the way it had been.
My love for you is endless, it won't ever die
When were are together again, we'll never say goodbye.
My Jacquie, I know it's not geat, but it came from my heart for you. The minutes tick by, life goes on, we do what we have to do. But your chair is still empty and even after all this time, the thought that you will not call me to talk and laugh, or go shopping or out to eat with me ever again, brings fresh pain and saddness. I miss you My Daughter. I will love you forever and ever and always and longer than that, with all my heart and soul. On the sunniest of days, the sun no longer shines as bright because you are not here with us. But you will live on in my dreams and my heart, forever. Love, your mom
October 9th, 2011 - Dear Jacquie, there is no escaping it, there is no way to make it go away, there is no way that I can pretend it doesn't matter to me. Another wedding is coming up this weekend. Laura's wedding is Saturday, and I am very happy for them. I wish them a lifetime of happiness, good health and love. I wish them laughter and millions of memories. But I wish I was able to wish it for you, too. Every wedding that comes along, is a reminder that you will never have one. And I know that weddings will continue to be a part of our lives, and I want them to be because it is a part of life. And I want people to be happy with the one they love. I just can't help but remember all the times we talked and you dreamed of your wedding "someday". And remembering makes me sad and makes me angry. I still had things to keep teaching you. "A daughter needs a mom to teach her that even true love requires compromise. A daughter needs a mom to tell her what she should expect from a good man. A daughter needs a mom to prepare her for becoming a wife. A daughter needs a mom to show her how to raise a family.' All these things and more were things I should have been able to teach you so when you got married you would be better prepared to share the rest of your life with the love of your life. We never had the chance, did we, My Jacquie. I miss you so much. I miss what was taken from you. I miss your dreams left unfulfilled. I miss you.
My Sweet Daughter Jacquie, you are missed not just by me but by so many others who love you. I looked for you today, I needed some sign, even a small one, to let me know you were still with me. You didn't come to me, so I am still waiting. I will wait as long as I need to, because it has been a while and I am really really needing you. Days are getting harder and the expectations are becoming more difficult to deal with. I think of you all the time, especially when I am close to giving up. I think of your courage and strength in facing the days when you were fighting so hard for your life. How each morning you still got out of bed, and faced the uncertainty of what new problems the day would bring. I wish I had that courage and strength, I wish I had the nerve to face each day the way you did. But all I want to do is stay in bed and pretend. I love you, My Jacquie, and I will love you forever and ever and always, and longer than that. I will love you with all my heart and all my soul. I look for you in all I do and I hope you are with me even if you can't give me a sign that you are. Please, Jacquie, don't leave me, I can't do this without you. I love you. Love, mom
October 6th, 2011 - Dear Jacquie, too sad to think, to sad to write. Missing you too much to deal with all the issues around me.
My Jacquie, I miss you and love you more than you will ever know because there will never be enough words to tell you how much. I love you with all my heart and soul and I will love you forever and ever and always and longer than that. I love you, mom
October 3rd, 2011 - Dear Jacquie, I was reading a book the other day and came across these words:
"There are certain losses, certain voids that can never be filled with anything other than that which left the void in the first place." I thought about the words and what they meant and realized that there are no truer words when it comes to losing you. So many words have been written and spoken to your day, TJ and me, most meant to convey condolences, reassurance, sympathy and love. And most have managed to do just that. Even reading the posts on your website and hearing from someone from your high school days, the words tell us you have not been forgotten. But those words don't fill the void, the hole that has been left since you were taken from us. It is true, that void will never be filled because yuou willnot be returning to us here. And although the words do not fill the void, I don't know what I would do without them. The words written and spoken to us are my lifeline to staying sane, to being able to face each day without you. Every single morning I have to ask you for the strength to get out of bed, to face the day with dignity and courage the way you taught us. And nevery single day you don't let me down. True, somedays I don't get up to face the day until the day is partly over, but I do get up. And you are there beside me. But your family and friends are beside me too. I know that no matter how sad I am, or how much pain I am in, there is SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, who understands. And although I have tried to not bother people during my difficult days and times, I do get comfort in knowing that someone would be there for me if I asked. It has been 1122 days. I miss you and I am so sorry.
My Sweet Girl, I love you. I miss you and I hurt without you. I will love you forever and ever and always, and longer than that. I will love you with all my heart and soul and all that I am. To you I make this promise- I will keep trying to do my best to make you proud and to make your dream come true. Your dream is now my dream and it is all that is left for me to do for you. I couldn't keep you here, I couldn't make you better, but I can try to make your dream come true for you. I love you, My Jacquie, love- mom