November 30th 2010 - My Jacquie, today is the last day of November, another month over, another one beginning. Another difficult month and "holiday season" to get through. I keep thinking to myself, "why can't I go to bed and wake up in the middle of January". People are already putting up holiday decorations and Christmas shopping. I dread it all. I found another poem for you, I will read it to you as I write it. I would like to think that you like when I read to you, I know you like it better than when I sing to you. We both know how terrrible I sing.
May you always have an angel by your side
Watching out for you in all the things you do
Reminding you to keep BELIEVING in brighter days
Finding ways for your wishes and dreams to come true
Giving you hope that is as certain as the sun
Giving you the strength of serenity as your guide
May you always have love and comfort and courage
And may you always have an angel by your side.
Someone there to catch you if you fall
Encouraging your dreams, inspiring your happiness
Holding your hand and helping you through it all
In all of our days our lives are always changing
Tears come along as well as smiles
Along the roads you travel, may the miles be a thousand times
more lovely than lonely
May they give you gifts that never, ever end
Someone wonderful to love and a dear friend in whom you can confide
May you have rainbows after every storm
May you have hopes to keep you warm
And may you always have an angel by your side.
By Douglas Pagels.
My Jacquie I miss you. It never ends, the longing to be with you again. As the "holidays' get closer, please give me the courage and the strength to find happiness and joy in our family and friends and try not to be a "Debbie Downer'. I will do the best I can, please don't be disappointed in me if I don't do well enough. I will love you forever and ever and always, and longer than that, with all my heart and soul. I would like to think that there were times that you thought of me as your angel. Being there for you for happiness and comfort and love. I know that you will always and forever be my angel. Love, mom.
November 24th 2010 - My Darling Jacquie, today is the day before Thanksgiving, one of your favorite holidays. Your friends will be home for the long weekend and going out tonight to "party". It seems like forever since I heard you say "I don't know what to wear tonight when we all go out. What do you think?" I miss that terribly, being around while you get ready to go out, listening to your plans and hearing the excitment in your voice. 809 days, but longer. Another "holiday" without you. No. Just another day, not a holiday.
I hope you saw the Vera Party last Friday night. It was great. A lot of people came to shop and share stories about you. It was a nice evening and Debbie and her staff did and outstanding job getting ready for the party. The store was stocked with Vera and I am pretty sure everyone found something that they liked. Thank you to Debbie, her staff, our family and friends who made the 3rd Annual Vera Bradley Party a success.
Marianne, thank you for your post, it was wonderful and we appreicate that you shared it with everyone. Thank you to everyone who continues to send us messages, they are so much appreciated and are re-read many, many times over.
To Cindy and Peter, we are sorry about Lee and want you to know that we are thinking of you and grieving with you. To Ginny, Chris and your family, we are praying for your mom (grandmother) and hope she is not suffering. To Jill at Genesseo, we heard about your A.L.L diagnosis and want you to know that if there is anything we, or the foundation can do for you, please let us know. You are part of the "Blue Knight" family and we are here for you always. To Kathleen, we are wishing and praying and hoping that the next 84 days go smoothly for you. Never forget that Jacquie is watching over you and we are here to help you with whatever you need, whenever you need it. To all of our friends who are fighting a battle with cancer, keep fighting. There is no easy way out, you must continue to find the courage and the strength to overcome each "bump in the road". We will keep raising money for research to find a cure, you keep fighting until we do. You must BELIEVE that a cure will be found. We BELIEVE it and we will make it happen. Until then, you have all of us fighting with you, Jacquie, her family, her friends and everyone who supports her foundation are in your corner. We will do whatever we can to help you. That is what we do for Jacquie.
My Sweetheart, tomorrow will be hard. Your dad, TJ and I will have dinner with you here at our house, just the four of us. Later in the day, we will have to visit with family, but until then, our time will be spent with you and our memories. I will be waiting to hear from you, if you can manage it. I still, and always will, need you by my side. I need to know you haven't really left us. I love you, my Beautiful Daughter Jacqueline, and I will love you forever and ever and always and longer than that, with all my heart and soul. You are my sunshine and my days are dark without you. I love you, your mom
November 19th 2010 - Good morning My Jacquie. I just wanted to let you know that we are planning for a great Vera Bradley Party tonight at The Perfect Gift. Everyone has worked very hard, as we always do for all of your events, to make sure this one is successful. More importantly, we are working hard tomake you proud of us. We have plans for another huge donation in December for your research fund at Roswell, and this event will be the last one before that donation. So, we are asking you to put a little reminder in all your family and friends' ears to have them come to celebrate you and your love (obsession?) with Vera Bradley. We Will make you proud, My Jacquie.
On a sad not, once again, I know you have had to welcome 3 new Angels in heaven with you. Please take good care of Angie's mom, Cindy's mom and Joyce's brother. I know you will make hthem smile and laugh and help them to find their loved ones who are already there. I am sorry but I selfishly wish you were not there to help them.
I know you will "be there" with us tonight, but if you could could you give me a little extra sign, because I really don't want to be at The Perfect Gift without you. The memories of our last shopping trip there are so fresh in my mind- as if it was just yesterday. And it hurts. So, a brush of your hand on my cheek, a kiss or a whisper would really help me so much. I love you, My Darling Daughter, and I will love you forever and ever and always, and longer than that, with all my heart and soul, and with every beat of my heart. Love, your partner in all things Vera, your mom
November 15th 2010 - Day 800. My Dearest Little Girl, Jacqueline Elisabeth, it hardly seems possible that it has only been 800 days, it feels like forever. These days are busy, filled with things we have to do and need to do. But, no matter how busy or how much there is to take care of, you are in my thoughts constantly. I guess that is because I can't think of a time when you wouldn't have been part of all the busy things going on. It is especially hard at the gym, now that meet season is here. We had talked so much while you were getting your treatments, about how we would get the gymnasts ready for competition, and all the fun we would have taking them to meets together. Now that the meets have started, I can't seem to want to go to any of the meets without you. I miss you at the gym because it was where we were supposed to be a "team" of our own- you and me, coaching the little ones and teaching them to be the best they can be and have fun doing it. Some of the little ones still remember you and talk about you and it hurts and helps to hear them say they miss you. They were so young when you coached them and yet, even at that age, they recognized what a very special person you are and you stayed with them in their thoughts and hearts. I miss you, My Jacquie, and I wish you were here to help us teach and guide them. I found a poem for you, I hope you like it.
I Am Still With You
I give you this one thought to keep
I am still with you- do not weep.
I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glints on the snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
I am the gentle autumn's rain.
When you awaken in the morning's hush,
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not think of me as gone-
I am with you still- in each new dawn.
I try to think of you as still here, because I can't think that you would ever leave us, but it is not the same as being here. I think of you when I see children and when I see kids your age. I think of what would you be doing now, where would your wonderful life have lead you to be accomplishing. I think of how my heart has a ache that will never go away and I think of when we will be together again. I think of how much I love you today, and know that I will love you even more tomorrow. I think of how much you gave to all or our lives and how much of you we still have with us. I think that life has lost some meaning that I will never get back.
My Sweet Jacquie, as always, I beg you to stay near, and to let us know you are with us. I beg you to come visit me, and to let me touch you and hold you again. I missyou and I love you, My Jacquie. I will love you forever and ever and always, and longer than that, with all my heart and soul, and with every breath I take- now and forever. With my love, your mom
November 10th 2010 - We want to thank a lot of people for helping us out the past week with our foundation events. The Tink's Pro Shop at the gym held it's semi-annual Tinkerbell basket raffle from the 1st through the 6th and it was great. Bree, Jacquie's grandma, made 12 baskets and we displayed them in the Tink Shop. Parents were able to buy tickets to try to win them. Each day, Bree came to the gym to ask parents if they would please help to support Jacquie's foundation and take a chance on winning a great basket. She worked reallly hard, and some of Jacquie's family and friends came to help sell too. Thank you Angela, Marianne and Nichole! The baskets were so cute and Bree was able to raise $775!!!!!!!!!!! The money will be added to the Clinic For A Cure and Dancers Give Back money and in December we will be making another $25,000 donation to Jacquie's research fund at Roswell. Thank you to everyone who bought tickets! On Saturday night, TJ and Angela held a fundraiser at Dwyers Restaurant/Bar in North Tonawanda to raise money for their Mt. Kilimanjaro climb. There was food, music and drinks, (all favorites of Jacquie), plus silent auction items, basket raffles and a fifty-fifty raffle. They raised about $3,500 which will help them reach their goal. Each of them has to raise about $8,000 to be able to go, so we will be having more fundraisers to help them out. So, October and the first week of November have been very successful for Jacquie. The 5 events held for Jacquie have shown us that Jacquie still is a part of many people's lives. Each event brings old friends back to us, and new friends for us to meet. We have also been making many donations to individuals who need help, as they go through their treatments. We have donated to Kevin Guest House and Hope Lodge New York City as well. Without all of you, these donations would not be possible. We feel it is so important for us to be able to help as many as we can, so many people were there for us when we needed them, and they still are here with us. So thank you, once again, to all our family, friends, and friends "not yet met", who continue to support Jacquie and her dream. We can't do anything but BELIEVE that we ARE making a difference and that we WILL find a cure. Jacquie and the others deserve no less.
To My Sweet Jacqueline Elisabeth, I hope you heard me read Casey's post to you about the older man in a Tinkerbell costume for Halloween. She made me laugh when I read it and I wanted to share it with you. I can just see her face as she looked at thim "disgracing" your Tinkerbell, it must have been so funny. I wish I had a picture of him, so I could look at it and laugh when I am feeling bad. I miss you, My Jacquie, and the days are long without you. I sing to you and talk to you and ask you for help because I need you. How sad it is that a parent relies on her child so much to keep going on. I love you, My Jacquie, and I will love you forever and ever and always, and longer than that with all my heart and soul, with every breath I take and with each beat of my heart. You are my light. Love, mom
November 5th, 2010 - My Dear Daughter Jacquie, I found a poem yesterday for you. Since you are our Angel, this poem must have been written for you. It's called "On Angel's Wings" and there was no author named but it must have been written by another angel.
On Angel's Wings you were taken away,
But in my heart you will always stay.
I will hear your whisper in the tallest of trees,
Feel your love in the gentle summer breeze.
And when I find I miss you the most,
Inside our beautiful memories I will hold you close.
You are my Angel watching over me
With the comfort and blessings you bring,
You embrace my heart and hold it close,
Forever on Angel's Wings.
When you were born you were our little blond, curly haired Angel, bringing light and sunshine into the lives around you. How could we have known you would be taken from us to be and Angel before it was time? You are surely the most beautiful and heavenly Angel in heaven and you are still, and will always be, our Angel.
My Jacquie, tonight I will wish for you to come to me, and give me strength to make it through another day without you. I miss you so very much and dream of the time when we are together again. I will love you forever and ever and always, and longer than that, with all my heart and soul, with every breath I take. Love, your mom
November 1st, 2010 - Day 786, forever and ever. Yesterday I spent most of the day remembering. Remembering Halloweens from the past. Wonderful Halloweens. TJ and Jacquie in their costumes, laughing and smiling. Eating dinner as fast as they could so they could get started on "Trick or Treating". Running from house to house and yelling "Trick or Treat" as loudly as they could, and then looking a little baffled when someone would ask them what kind of trick they would do to get a treat. I remember some Halloweens that it would rain or be so cold that we had to put winter coats over their costumes, others that the weather was warm and mild. I remember when they would get home and dump out all their goodies on the living room floor and start making their piles. One pile for what they liked and would keep, one pile to give to Torey and I because they didn't like them, one pile to put into the give away at the door basket because none of us like it, and another pile to share with friends at school. Torey and I were always amazed at how much they collected in such a short time. As they got older, they went to Halloween parties with friends, and came to the gym to help out at the Halloween sleepover and the children parties. College brought more fun and more creative costumes to celebrate the night. TJ and Jacquie went to parties together and we have so many pictures of the two of them doing just what they did as kids- laughing and smiling. And yes, some drinking too. Jacquie loved Halloween with TJ and I know he misses her so much on "holidays" like these. Memories from the past and memories that will never be made. We all miss her so badly. I didn't want to answer the door for the trick-or- treaters at our house, it made me too sad to see all the little ones and not have Jacquie here with us. Some of the litttle girls at the gym said they were going to be Tinkerbell, Jacquie's last Halloween befor she got sick she was Tinkerbell. There are pictures of her on the web site. I think she is the most beautiful Tinkerbell in the whole wide world. TJ was the Hamburgler this year and I know Jacquie would love that because it means MacDonalds and food! Wish you could have been here with us, My Jacquie.
Alicia, thank you for sharing your dream with everyone. When you texted me the morning you had it, I felt so happy and yet so jealous. I was glad she spent time with you, but I wish she would come to see me again. It means so much to us when any of you share your dreams and thoughts of Jacquie with us. We know she is still finding a way to be with us and help us through our days. She knows that we still need her. Alicia, I could picture what you were describing and I could hear her laughter. I could see her. I could feel her. Thank you.
My Jacquie, My Daughter, My Sweet Little Girl, I am so sorry that I have been struggling lately and finding it hard to do things that must be done. I just feel so overwhelmed again and am once again wishing for things that cannot be. I am trying to get things done but I don't have the energy, I just want to stay in bed. At the gym, there is so much to do but I can't ever seem to get it done. I'll keep trying for you, for dad and for TJ, but I wish I could find my way. I love you My Jacquie. I need you so please don't leave me. Watch over TJ tomorrow while he is gone, please please keep him safe. I will love you forever and ever and always, and longer than that, with all my heart and soul, and with every beat of my heart. Be happy, My Angel. Love, your mom