May 30th, 2011 - Dear Jacquie, HAPPY 26th BIRTHDAY my sweet baby girl. There are no words to describe the pain of not having you here with us to celebrate the day of your birth. To celebrate the day you joined our family and made us complete. The day TJ became your Big Brother. The day your dad and I realized what gifts we had been give to make our lives more than what we ever dreamed they would be. The day you were born, I couldn't have imagined how much you you brighten my world in so many ways. I have a daughter who is kind and thoughtful. I have a daughter who can depend on me and I can depend on. You are a constant joy to me, to all who know you. you are a gift to my heart. I have a daughter who I can laugh and cry with. i have a daughter who I can share so much with- stories, secrets, and HAPPINESS. I have a daughter who is my best friend, my BFF. I have a daughter who I love more than words can say. I want to tell you how wonderful it is to have you as my daughter, and to have shared so many incredible memories and special moments with you. I am not a poet, and I know my writing skills are lacking, but I wrote a little poem for your birthday. I hope you like it.
Jacquie, our Angel, sent from above
A gift to us all, so we could learn love
You made us complete, our own Hirschs 4
Dad, mom, and TJ- none could love you more
The laughter, and smiles, and sometimes the tears
So much joy and happiness for 23 short years
You showed us all, what love really means
You taught us all how to live for our dreams
So many to love and care for you
How could we have known what you would have to go through
Now you've been taken, cruelly from us
It is so unfair, it is so unjust
The sorrow and pain will forever run deep
But forever our love you will always keep
You live in our hearts, you will always be here
To feel our love and know we are near
The 4 we once were, everyone will see
That someday, again, together we will be.
My Sweetheart, your third birthday in heaven, it hurts so much still. I hope you know how much I love you- that I will love you forever and ever and always and longer than that with all my heart and soul. I will read your birthday cards to you, and all the beautiful flowers and gifts you recieved are on the counter for you to see. We miss you Jacquie, and we love you so very much. Love, you mom, your BFF
May 28th, 2011 - Dear Jacquie, Day 994. And two days before your birthday. After al this time, the numbers are still in my head. Maybe they wil never go away. Jacquie, I thought today I would write you and tell you thank you. I don't know if I have, and if I haven't, I have not been a good mom to you. I need to thank you for so many things. So many I will not be able to write them all. But I will try to list the important ones, so that you know how thankful I am for you being my daughter.
Thank you for giving me so many reasons to smile. Thank you for all the fun times we shared. Thank you for the talks we had, and the times you asked for my advice. Thank you for the times YOU gave ME advice. And thank you for sometimes taking that advice and then telling me you are glad you did. Thank you for the trust you showed in me to keep your secrets. Thank you for the memories that will forever be a part of my happiest days. Thank you for sharing your dreams, wishes and hopes with me. Thank you for inspiring me to be a better person. Thank you for making me proud of you in all the very specials ways that are special to you. Thank you for the laughter, smiles and humor. Thank you for your hugs and kisses. Thank you for telling me with words and cards and letters that you appreciate me. Thank you for your never-ending love. Thank you for being one of the 4 Hirschs. Thank you for being my daughter.
My Precious Daughter, in a whole lifetime, I could not thank you for everything you are to me. No mother could love her daughter more than I love you. And yes, I know every mother says that, but I know you know it is true. I am waiting for you to visist me again, I really need you to be with me for your birthday. The United States will be celebrating Memorial Day. We will not be celebrating your birthday with you, the way we should be. So, on Monday, I will be here at home with you, and I will remind you again and again how much I love you and miss you. I will make a wish for all of us that we will be together again someday. I will wish that you never forget how much I love you and that I will love you forever and ever and always, and longer than that. I will wish that you remember that I love you with all my heart and soul. I will wish that you feel each breath I take and every beat of my heart, and know that I breathe for you and my heart beats for you. And I will wish that you were here with us, in the chair at our kitchen table, eating strawberry cupcakes with strawberry frosting. I love you My Jacquie, mom
May 24th, 2011 - Dear Jacquie, today Bree and Kerri went to the Tink Shop to add new things and straighten up. They are doing such a great job with all the Tink items for sale. I know you are so proud of how hard they work to keep it going and making more money for Roswell. I wish you could tell them yourself, but you can't. I tell them for you. Anyway, Bree brought me an article from the paper in the Dear Abby column. When I read it, I cried. It was as if someone saw inside my heart and wrote the words that my heart is feeling. I am going to write the aticle here so others can read it too.
Dear Abby, My beautiful 20-year-old daughter was killed in a car accident. I am writing this not only for myself, but for all parents who have lost a child, and to all the wonderful people who asked "What can I do for you?"
At the time, there wasn't much anyone could do to help, but after two years I have an answer: Accept me for who I am now.
When Rachel came into my life, it changed me profoundly. Losing her did the same. Her father and I work hard to honor her memory, but we will never "get over it" to the degree of being who we were before. I am different now. In some ways- I think-better. I am kinder, more patient, more appreciative of small things, but I am not as outgoing nor quick to laugh.
I know people mean well when they encourage me to get on with my life, but this is my life. My priorities have changed. My expectations of what my future will hold have changed. Please extend to me again the offer of "anything I can do" and, please accept me as I am now. -Different Now in Riverview, Fla.
My Darling Daughter Jacquie, I miss you. I love you. I will love you forever and ever and always and longer than that, with all my heart and soul. Each breath I take, each beat of my heart is for you, so that you know you are never forgotten and that you are with me every second of every day. I love you, My Jacquie. Love mom
May 20th, 2011 - Dear Sweetheart, I am just finishing my day, wishing you were here to share the events of your day with me. It was 3 years ago today that we arrived home from New York City. We brought you home to begin the next fight for your life. We talked about what was ahead and we BELIEVED you would win your fight. Today, our conversations of that day played over in my head. I can hear your voice and your absolute certainty that bringing you back to Roswell for a second transplant was the right decision. Oh, Jacquie I was certain too, Then. You are so amazing and I so wish you knew how much I miss you and love you. I am so sorry. So very, very sorry. I BELIEVED, we all did. So what happened. What happened to "If you BELIEVE it, you can make it happen"? What happened to "Anything is possible if you BELIEVE"? What happened?
My Dear Baby Girl, I love you. Do you know how much? Do you know I would have given my life for yours? Do you know that every day I have to ask myself if I want to get up, or stay in bed and dream of you? Do you know that so much is wrong now, that so much of my life has no color anymore? Do you know that I am waiting to see you again? I love you, My Jacquie, My Tink. And I will love you forever and ever and always, and longer than that. I will love you with all my heart and soul. My love for you will grow each day, and someday I will be able to tell you how much I love you while I hold you in my arms. I love you, mom
May 18th, 2011 - Dear Jacquie, 3 years ago today, we were hit with words that, for the second time in our lives, shocked, stunned and devastated us. After 85 days post your bone marrow transplant, we were told the leukemia was back. And for the second time in my life I felt my world stop. I couldn't breathe and my heart broke. I tried to stay positive for you. I said things like,"so ok, we go back and start over again", "it will be ok", and "we will just keep fighting and doing whatever we have to do to make this go away". But inside my head, I was screaming "why now", "why Jacquie", "what did she ever do to deserve this". I waited for answers, knowing there would be none. I wondered how much better of a mom I should have been that would have made you finish your 100 days, and go home a be one of "the survivors". And I still wonder, what is the the good moms did that I didn't. I am so sorry Jacquie.
My Sweet Sweet Jacqueline, not day goes by that I don't cry for you- what you endured, the pain you went through and th misery you suffered. I cry for what was and what will never be. I cry for failing to keep you well and safe. I cry because I can't touch you or hold you. I just cry. I miss you so much and I will love you forever and ever and always, and longer than that, with all my heart and soul, with every breath I take and every beat of my heart. And I will wait as long as it takes to be with you again. I love you, love mom
May 16th, 2011 - Dear Jacquie, Day 982. Seems impossible that you have been gone from us for almost 1000 days. 1000. What kind of number is that? I used to think that it wasn't such a big number, of course compared to 100 it is, but to tens of thousands or millions it is just a little number. But I don't think that anymore. 1000 is a huge big ugly number. It is a forever number. It is a millions of tears number. It is minutes and hours and days of heartbreak number. It is a horrible number that reminds us how unfair it is that life has to go on without you. Every minute of every day. And whatever that number is, it will always be that way. I have tried to understand and accept why my world is now a world of "what was" and "what ifs" and "what will never be". It will always be a world of what is missing at family functions, baby showers, graduations, weddings, showers, sorority and school reunions, and on and on. Our world will always have an "empty chair", not just at home but everywhere we go. Our world will be missing you forever. And Jacquie, I am so very sorry. The "what ifs" live in my head all the time. The thought that just maybe we didn't do the right thing for you to make you well, is so hard to accept. I am so sorry. Today was cold, damp and rainy, like my heart. I had a hard time getting things done today, and I am sorry to admit that I didn't do a good job. I will try harder tomorrow. I don't want you to see me failing.
My Dear Sweet Jacqueline Elisabeth, I love you. Although I am not always being the person I should be, I am trying. Please be patient with me, and stay with me. I know you were with TJ yesterday, when you gave him his keys. We both know that was you. When you do things like that, we know you haven't left us alone. We need you still, now more than ever. Keep us strong and help us to find the courage we need to move forward. We all love you so much, and we need to know you love us too. I am your mom, you are my daughter- always and forever. And I will love you forever and ever and always and longer than that, with all my heart and soul, with every breath I take and with every beat of my heart. You are in my heart always. Love, mom
May 12th, 2011 - Dear Jacquie, it's been a little bit since I wrote on here, not because I haven't been thinking of you, but because I've been thinking of you so much. I thought about writing on Mother's Day, but couldn't seem to find the words. That night, I came into the office to try to write again, and I saw TJ had already posted. I cried when I read what he had written. He misses you so much. On Mother's Day we all went to Bree's for a little while in the morning, but I missed you there. I remembered the last times we were all there together. I wondered why you weren't there. When we got home, TJ stayed haome all day with me. Your dad was in Calif. for a meet, so it was just you, TJ and me. It was so hard when TJ and I made dinner and you weren't there to eat with us. I know how much you love "holidays" when there is good food. I felt bad for TJ, I'm sure he didn't want to have to stay with me, knowing that it was a hard day, but he is such a wonderful son and brother, so he did stay. I read you the card he gave me from the two of you. It was beautiful and I hope you liked it. I know it is not easy for him to be writing cards and having to sign both of your names. He shouldn't have to be, you should be signing your own cards. Some days, when he is having a bad day at work, and he is doubting himself and his business, I think he misses you more than ever. You were his biggest supporter and fan, the one who gave him the courage to follow his dream and BELIEVE in himself. So when the doubts creep in, he looks for you. Maybe you could go to him and give him a sign that you are with him, and still BELIEVING in him. I am his mom, but you are his sister, and he really needs you to stay with him. Just like your dad and I do. We can't seem to make it without you. I am so sorry, Jacquie. I wanted to be a good mom to you forever. I am sorry.
My Sweet Daughter, the sun was out today, I gift from you I am sure. I look for you everywhere, and I wait to hear your voice. I will wait as long as I have to, but I will be with you again. I will love you forever and ever and always and longer than that with all my heart and soul. You made our family complete when you were born, and now we are not whole without you. I am so sorry. I love you, My Jacquie, love mom
May 8th, 2011 - Jax, today was hard. Everyday is hard. It seems like holidays, weekends, special days, spring days, winter days & everyday in general is just as bad without you here. It doesnt matter what the calendar says, theres nothing special or worth celebrating when you're not here. Some days more than others its hard to find a reason to go on, or even want to, but I know that's not what you would want for us. After all you have taught us about being strong, sometimes its easier to put on a fake smile and try to go through life pretending we are okay. Go about our daily routine and just do what we can to make it through another day until our head hits the pillow. And then maybe, just maybe the only time we can see you again is in our dreams. We have a lot to look forward to, and a lot to be happy about, and a lot of support. But some days none of that matters, only you matter, and when I need you the most you're not here. I know you would be if you could, and you would help everyone through the tough times and the tough days when you're missed the most but its just not fair and and I want someone or something I can be angry at. Instead of having to wonder why I'm signing your name to mother's day cards and christmas cards, and why our family gatherings seem distant, and fewer than before. You were the glue that held all of us together and the light in our lives. The laughter when we were sad and the smile that made our hearts beat. We all miss you very much and we're doing our best without you, but its hard. I hope you are proud of us and I hope that you are okay. Each milestone we have to encounter and to overcome would be much easier with you and your guidance, so without you, I'm trying my best. I miss you so much and I miss your voice and your smile and your presence. I will never stop loving you and I will never stop fighting for you. Love always your big brother.
May 5th, 2011 - My Dear Sweet Jacquie, the days are getting longer, the sun is out more, and some days it doesn't rain (too much). The flowers in your garden are probably the only things happy about all the rain we've had. They are looking so pretty and hopeful. Our schedule has been hectic, to say the least, and we haven't gotten out in the yard yet to do any gardening. But as soon as the ground dries up more and we have some free time, we will be out there, tending to your garden and taking care of your beautiful flowers and plants. We know how much you love flowers and how excited you would get when you recieved a bouquet, so we will do our best to make your garden as beautiful as it can be for you.
Lately, the bad news seems to outweigh the good, and cancer seems to be an ever- present evil in our lives. New diagnosis are too frequent and the lives affected are too numerous to count. It is so hard to hear of yet another person who will fighting to live. It is hard to understand. Since you were taken from us, the sun has forgotten how to shine in our lives, and the dreams we had hold no meaning. We counted on having time for those dreams to come true, but your time was taken from you. I wonder if you still have dreams. I wonder if there are things you still wish for . I wonder if you hear my wishes for you. I need you to know that I am always here for you, if you need a place of comfort, someone to hold your hand, dry your tears, or give you a heart that cares about your happiness, I am here for you. I care about your happiness more than words can say, and although you are in heaven and people say heaven is a good and happy place, I don't know that for sure. It is so important to me to know you are happy and well. So if you should need me, remember you can come to me and I will do whatever I can to help you and make the sun shine in your life. I will NEVER leave you.
My Jacquie, please please come to me. Give me a sign that you are with me and still love me. I haven't seen you in my dreams for a while and I really need to. Please try to visit me and let me know you are near. I am sorry, so sorry and I wish I knew if you realize how sorry I am that I could not help you. I am afraid that is why you have stopped coming to me in my dreams. I am sorry, Jacquie, and would give my life for yours. I will love you forever and ever and always and longer than that with all my heart and soul, and longer than that. Love, your mom forever
May 1st, 2011 - Dear Jacquie, Your 5K Tink Trot in Atlanta yesterday was incredible!! Michael did the most awesome job in setting up and running the event. He had great sponsors, a beautiful park and race course, a DJ, delicious food, and great awards. The only part he didn't do, and I BELIEVE that you took care of this for us, was the weather. We arrived at the race course at 5:15 am, it was still dark and a little chilly, but by the time racers started to arrive at 7 am, the day was warming up and the sun was bright and beautiful in the sky. The temperature was just right, not too hot and not too cool. Everyone had the most fun time, and we heard such positive reviews about how well the race went. Many of the runners were "hard core", runners who run all the time and try to do as many races as they can. They thought it was great and said they were looking forward to it next year. The T-shirts turned out so cute and I wish everyone could see them. On the front is a huge Tinkerbell wearing sneakers, a headband and a competitors bib with a number on it! The back has the logos of all the sponsors. It turned out great. About 180 people signed up to do the race, although not all ran. The timing team said it was a really good number to start with, and that we should be pleased with the turnout. Oh Jacquie, you are now a national foundation- our first race and our first foundation sponsored event out of New York. I hope you are proud of Mike, and everyone who helped to make the event a huge success. I hope you see that we are still fighting for you and your dream. We WILL continue working for you to make your dream come true. Thank you to Micheal and everyone who made the Innagural Tink Trot an incredible event for Jacquie.
My Sweetheart, I missed you so much this weekend. It was hard to be away from the house, and I took many moments of quiet time, alone with you. I know what you expect me to do and I try to do it, but it isn't easy. It is so hard to be at your events without you. Harder yet to understand why you aren't. I love you, My Jacquie, and I will love you forever and ever and always and longer than that with all my heart and soul. You are every breath I take and every beat of my heart. I look for you in the stars each night and I hope you are looking down at me. I will wait until we are together again, and then I will hold you tight, and NEVER let you go. Love, your mom