June 28th, 2011 - Dear Jacquie, Last night was the gymnastic team banquet at Sean Patrick's. I hope you saw all the gymnasts all dressed up and looking so cute and handsome. I remember how much you enjoyed going to the banquets, not only to see the children in their finest, but because of the great buffet! You should have been there with us. You should have been posing with the gymnasts for pictures. You should of been waiting impatiently at the roast beef carving station for your turn to be served. You should have been there. We missed you.
My Jacquie, I love you more today than yesterday and not nearly as much as I will tomorrow. I love you the sun and the moon and the stars. I love rainbows and sunsets. I will love you forever and ever and always and longer than that with all my heart and soul. You are my heart beating and my heart will always be your home. Love mom
June 26th, 2011 - Dear Jacquie, I was hoping to be able to write to you after the Ride For Roswell yesterday with good news, but I didn't because I couldn't. I am so sorry that we didn't do well. I know you are probably disappointed in us, especially in me, because I promised you that I would always try to make you proud. I failed. The Ride this year was not a successful event for the Foundation and that bothers me more than words can say. We had many past riders who were unable to ride this year. Our numbers were down 40 riders, thats a lot. We raised less than half the monery this year than we did last year. I don't know what happened except that I didn't put enough time and effort into getting more riders and encouraging them to raise more money. I am so sorry. I do promise you this, I will not let this happen again next year. I thought I could just accept it as the way it was, but I can't. Something inside me can't accept that we failed you and what we are trying to accomplish. So, my promise to you is that next year I WILL put in more time and effort to get the rider numbers and the money raised, back up to were we should be.
Please know that we are working really hard on your TInker Ball and I hope we do not disappoint you again. That is the hardest part of doing your events, not knowing if were have done enough to make it the success it should be for you. The thought of you being disappointed makes me cry and feel so bad.
My Sweet Jacquie, at the Ride we had your Ride For Roswell banner on the front of our tent. I hope you saw all the people, friends and friends-not-yet-met, who stopped to look at the beautiful young woman who's life was taken away too soon. I watched their eyes and expressions as they read the words and looked at your picture, and I could tell they were asking themselves the same question I ask every minute of every day- WHY? I hope as they looked at you, they saw you as you had lived, full of love and life. I hope they saw how you laughed and made those around you feel so lucky to know you. I hope they saw how better you made our world just by being you. I hope they saw that your dream WILL become reality someday.
I miss you, My Jacquie, so so so very much. I will love you forever and ever and always and longer than that, with all my heart and soul. I look for you all the tme, look for signs that you are still here wtih us and that you miss us and love us too. I am waiting to be with you, but unitl then, I will wait for you to come to me. I love you, mom
June 22nd, 2011 - Jax, there is not a day that goes by that I don't think of you, remember you, or miss you. Its still so very hard to go through life without you. Sometimes I spend long periods of time just thinking, and trying to figure out why you're not here, and if we could have or should have done something different. Other times the pain is too much, so I stay busy from the second I wake up until the time I lay down in bed at night. I guess if I don't have time to think, I don't have time to be sad and upset. So I would rather fill my days with problems and stress and running around and worrying, than filling my head with the thought of you being gone. I wonder too sometimes if this is just a test. A test of our strength, our courage and our willingness to make it through this life so we can be together agian in the next. Either way, I wish we never had to find out.
The Ride, The Ball and Cruise are coming up soon and I always look forward to those, but I know for sure that if you were here, all of our events would take on a different meaning. I struggle sometimes, with moving forward and with finding enough time, and with myself in dealing with what life throws at us, but I hope you are proud and I hope you know that I am trying my best. I miss you very much Jax. Love always your big brother
June 19th, 2011 - Dear Dad, Happy Father's Day to my truly incredible dad. I wish so much that I could be there with you today, in person. I would try to tell you all the words that are in my heart. Since I can't, mom found a card that will hopefully tell you how much I love you and how much being your daughter means to me. This is what your card says:
Dad, I think of you often, and always with love.
I think about how hard you work and how much you do for the family...
I remember things you've taught me and times you've encouraged me, and I see how your wisdom and caring have helped shape my life.
I look back on favorite memories that remind me how much we've always meant to each other and always will...
There are so many times when I think of you, Dad, and feel proud, thankful, and very lucky you're my father.
Dad, I love you so, so much. I hope you never forget how much I love you and need you. I will always be with you and by your side. Thank you for all you do- for mom, for TJ, for me and my Foundation, and for all the lucky children who are taught by you. I hope the parents at the gym realize how lucky they are to have their children be part of your life. I love you, Dad, I love you more today than yesterday, but not as much as I will tomorrow. With love from your daughter, Jacqueline Elisabeth.
June 15th, 2011 - Dear Jacquie. I watched you grow, day by day, year by year. I watched you grab everything life had to offer with grace and determination. I watched you dream and then make your dreams come true. I watched as each new accomplishment filled you with pride and happiness. I watched you in pain when your heart was broken and your eyes were filled with tears. I watched as sometimes you let traces of doubt tear into your self-confidence, and then watched as you fought past the doubt with so much courage and strength. I watched you with saddness and depair in my heart as your destiny was taken out of your control. I watched with anger as I saw your life slipping away. I watched as you left the pain and suffering behind. And now, I watch for signs that you are with me still. I wait for you to show me you are holding my hand and are beside me always.
My Sweet, Sweet Jacquie, I will love you forever and ever and always and longer than that with all my heart and soul. I know that things are very awful now, but I will try to make it through each day- one day at a time, just like you did. I will try. I love you, mom
June 13th, 2011 - Dear Jacquie, today we start the end of the year shows at the gym. I miss you. I wish you were here for them. I wish you were here to see all the little ones with their new leotards and big smiles. I wish you wer here to hear when they finish their routine and yell "ta-da"! I wish you were here. I miss you. I wish I was with you.
My Jacquie, I love you and miss you so very much. I have no choices now, just "have to do" this or that. I wish I could have you here with me to help me find my way. I will love you forever and ever and always, and longer than that, with all my heart and soul. Won't you please come to see me, let me know you are near and haven't left me. I will never leave you. Love, mom
June 9th, 2011 - To Anyone who is still reading my words, please remember Jacquie. Keep her smile in you eyes, her laughter in your ears, her voice in your memories and her life in your hearts. Time has gone on and knowing that everyone's life goes on as "normal" doesn't make it easier to accept that we no longer have "normal". I tried to prepare myself for the time that would surely come, when Jacquie was forgotten by some. But I can't let everyone forget her, I can't and I won't. We MUSt continue to keep her alive in our memories and hearts so that we are able to make her dream come true. That is all she asked of us and we cannot let her down. The Ride for Roswell, the Tinker Ball, and the other events we hold for her are too important to let fail. Please try to support the events so we can show the world that Jacquie's life meant something, that she is not just another cancer victim. Jacquie is JACQUIE and we must BELIEVE in her dream the way she BELIEVED in us to find a way to make it come true. Please.
My Jacquie, I love you and miss you, and will love you forever and ever and always, and longer than that, with all my heart and soul. I am trying to make it work, I really am, but I could use some help. Please help me. Love, mom
June 7th, 2011 - Dear Sweetheart, I spend a lot of time "wishing" for things that I know will never come true. But I had wishes for you and TJ since the days you were born. I still have those wishes for you, and more. I have trouble finding the words to tell you what all those wishes are. Then, the other day I found a card in the store that had my wishes on it. It must have been written by a mom who loves her children very much. The author's name is Barbara Cage and below is her poem called "I'd Love to Do This For You".
I wish I could make sure you always had the best- like laughter, rainbows, butterflies and health.
I wish I could take you anywhere you wanted to go and treat you to waterfalls, rivers, forests, and mountaintops.
I wish I could make it possible for you to do anything you ever dreamed of, even if for just a day.
I wish I coud keep you from being hurt or sad.
I wish that all your troubles and problems would disappear.
I wish that I could package up all the memories that bring smiles to you and have them handy for your immediate enjoyment.
I wish I could guarantee you peace of mind, contentment, faith, and strength, as well as the constant ability to find joy in all the things that sometimes go unnoticed.
I wish you moments to connect with other individuals who are full of smiles and hugs to give away and stories and laughter to share.
I wish you could always know how much you are loved and appreciated.
I wished all this and more for my children. But there is nothing I wish more than to wish you were here with us.
My Jacquie, I miss you and love you- every second of every day. I will love you forever and ever and always and longer than that, with all my heart and soul. I love you with every breath I take and every beat of my heart. You are in the rays of sun, the drops of rain and every rainbow in the sky. You are in my heart forever. You are the best part of me. Love, your mom
June 3rd, 2011 - Dear Jacquie, I woke up today knowing the day would be difficult. Another unwanted "anniversary". 1,000 days today. 1,000 lifetimes. I guess I never really thought of seeing this day because I was sure that my heart wouldn't survive your being taken from us. I thought surely my heart will truly break into a million pieces and I will shatter into a million pieces. But that hasn't happened. So here I am, still, without you. Why does it still seem like yesterday that I held you? Why does it seem 1,000 lifetimes ago? Time is so mixed up now. But one thing I am sure of, you are missed more each day and loved even more each day that you are gone. We continue to fight your fight and makes plans for you dream to become reality. Every single day, we try to move forward- for you. Yes, I know, somedays we don't make it. Somedays we may even slide backward. But never doubt that we are trying our hardest to make you proud. Just look down and see all the people doing things for YOU, for your foundation. You will see that although 1,000 days have gone by, you have not been forgotten. And I will make sure you never are. Dad has your garden looking so pretty, I hope you like it. I will plant the flowers from Sue in it and it will look even more beautiful. I love being in the kitchen and looking out the back window and seeing you special place. I picture you there, with all of us- the 4 of us. And I know, someday we will all be together, in a beautiful garden surrounded by color and life and love. I am waiting for that day.
My Jacquie, I know I always say the same things, but I don't know what else to say. I love you and I miss you and that will never change. So I will tell you once again. I will love you forever and ever and always, and longer than that, with all my heart and soul. I will love you with every breath I take and every beat of my heart. And someday, I WILL hold you in my arms again. I love you, mom