February 28th - 540 days. I am afraid. I am afraid of so much these days. I am afraid that I won't be able to make things work at the gym. So much is going on, so many issues. So much to do and no time to do it. It is hard to rely on people, to count on them to follow through with what they say they will do, and then it ends up with Torey, TJ or I have to do it. I am afraid that I will get more angry at people, when I listen to their complaints about such little things. People seem to feel that the world should revolve around them and that they are the only ones who matter. Why can't they understand that everybody matters, and that it isn't possible for the world to run just for them. I am afraid that one of these days I will scream at the next person who complains about the wet floors in the locker room that at least their child is still here to feel the wet under their feet. I wish I would hear more parents tell their child " I love you and am proud of the good job you did", instead of " Why did that other girl in your class get moved up and you didn't?". Why do people feel that is is ok to hurt others feeling- to belittle and take out their disappointments on someone who has nothing to do with it? Don't people understand how hard it is to always try to please everyone when that isn't possible? Trying to keep the office running and parents informed, when they don't take the time to do what they are supposed to be doing- reading the handbook, e-mails and parent's board. I am so tired of complaints. I am afraid that I can't do this anymore, but I know Torey and TJ can't take any more on. Torey works so hard and such long hours, and TJ is trying to make his business work, he shouldn't have to be bothered with problems at the gym. I know if Jacquie were here, we would be ok, because we had a plan, Jacquie and I and we were going to be so good together. What happened to our plans, my Jacquie?
I am afraid for the foundation. There is so much to do all the time, and now the TinkerBall is coming up and again, I am afraid. I feel as though so much time has passed that people have started to forget Jacquie and what the foundation is fighting for. I feel scared that we will be standing alone. It makes me afarid to face the idea that we will not succeed and Jacquie will see that we aren't able to finish our promise to her. I am afraid of everything. I am afraid to get out of bed in the morning because the day will be filled with problems that I can't fix. I am afraid to read my e-mails and listen to my voicemails because there has been so much bad news lately. I am afraid that the days will just keep getting harder to face. I am afraid of losing the people I love.
My Jacquie, I am feeling so down right now. I am afraid I will never be able to get out of the dark hole around me. Please come to me, help me to find a way to keep fighting, I am so afraid of letting you down and disapointing you. Please don't let me do that. Please always know, that no matter what, I will always love you, with all my heart and soul, forever and ever and always, an longer than that. I love you my Jacquie, your mom
February 25th 2010 - Matt, We are all so very proud of you. Your performance at the Olympics was incredible and outstanding. We watched you with such pride and joy, and we hope you knew that we were all there on the mountain with you, if not physically, then in spirit. You worked so hard to achieve your dream, and did so sooner than you had expected. We are proud of your dad too. He gave you the opportunity to do what you did, and make your dream come true. I remember all the times he would be at the ski club, trying to build ramps for you to jump off of. What an accomplishment for both of you. Congratulations to you Matt, you are amazing. We all love you very much- Uncle Torey, Aunt Sharon, TJ and Forever Jacquie
February 21st 2010 - My Darling Jacquie, today is day 533 but it should not have been. It should have been 2 years. Today should have been your 2nd birthday. Today, we should have been celebrating your anniversary of 2 years since your first transplant. We had plans for today. Balloons, music, dancing, family and friends, and of course- food, drinks, and pink cupcakes with pink frosting. What happened? Why are you not here to celebrate? You were so excited to know that you would have TWO birthday parties every year. Should have been. Why. Why not. All words and questions with no answers. Just emptiness.
The gym school held the 2nd Annual Jacquie Memorial Boys Gymnastic meet today. Our family, the gymnasts, parents, and everyone who helped, made sure the meet was a success. It was a long day for everyone. It was a lonely day for us. Once again, you should have been there- the plans were for you to be the guest of honor. Once again,- should have been, why and why not. We thank all who made Jacquie's meet a success, and want you to know that Dr. Wang will benefit from your hard work. More importantly, someday everyone will benefit because Jacquie's dreaqm will have come true.
Please say a prayer for Uncle Frank, and send some strength to his family to help them deal with his loss. And keep Evan in your thoughts, he is going for his 21 month check tomorrow at Roswell, and we BELIEVE he will be cancer-free.
My Jacquie, my darling daughter, each morning when I sing to you, I wait to hear your voice. I wait to hear you join me, or tell me to stop. But I wait. I will wait forever, if I have to. I know that if you can, you will find a way to talk to me, to let me hear your voice. You will whisper to me and tell me you miss us, and you love us. You will tell us that you will be waiting for us to be with you again. "A daughter needs a mom to nuture her imagination". For now, I will have to just keep imagining what it will be like when we are together again. I will hold onto you and never let you go again. I am so sorry I had to let you go, but I won't let it happen again. I love you, My Jacquie, and I will love you forever and ever and always, and longer than that. With love, your mom
February 18th 2010 - Thank you so very, very much to Jacquie's Aunt Elizabeth and Uncle David for the wonderful benefit concert they held in honor of Jacquie in New York City last night. The concert was held at their friend's restaurant, Etc Etc. Torey and TJ went down to be there for it. I wanted to be able to go, but couldn't. I am not yet ready to face New York City without Jacquie. Too many memories and too much emptiness without her. The concert was beautiful, according to Torey and TJ, and all the money raised will be donated directly to Hope Lodge in NYC. We truly appreciate all the time and effort that went into hosting this memorable event and we thank everyone who came and enjoyed the music. David and Elizabeth, you know how much Jacquie loves you both, and last night she would have been there with you, listening to the sounds of the harp, just as she did when she was sick. Your music soothed and calmed her then, and I know it always will.
My Jacquie, the music may have ended after the concert, but our love for you never will. All of us continue to miss you and deal with the pain of you not being here with us, where you belong. We all love you so very much, and our love grows every day. Keep the music in your heart, and the dance in your eyes- that is where it belongs. I will love you forever and ever and always, and longer than that. Love, mom
February 16th 2010 - I am thankful that TJ wrote on Valentine's Day. I couldn't. All day long, the memories of past Valentines Day with Jacquie, TJ and Torey played through my head. The memories were wonderful, the pain was unbearable. I keep wondering why. I get sad, I get angry and then I just feel empty. I wrote my Valentines cards to each of them, as always, but I was so angry that Jacquie would not be here to read hers. I will have to read it to her, and that makes me so mad. For those of you who knew Jacquie, you know she loved to eat, and she loved her sweets on Valentines day. I couldn't bear to go into the Valentine display aisles in the stores, because all I wanted to do was pick out treats for her and TJ. I stilll have the strawberry cupckae mix in the pantry, the one I should have been able to make for her. I see her enjoying the M&ms we would buy, the pink, white and red ones, and I cry for the her. I know this is our second Valentines Day without her, but it doesn't make the pain less. 528 days. Why. There are no answers for any of us.
Sadie, we wish you and your team great success. Your second climb to the top of Mt. Kilamanjaro, in honor of Jacquie, is an inspiration to us all. Your committment to finding a cure gives us all the strength to keep moving forward. So many days, it would be so easy to just give up. To say it is too hard without Jacquie and to decide that life without her is too much to bear. But knowing that we have help, we have support and we have others who share in Jacquie's dream, makes us keep working towards our goal. We, the four Hirschs, will be with you every step of the way, and never forget how proud Jacquie is to be your friend.
For the families and friends who lost loved ones in Flight 3407, know we share your grief and we understand the pain of the days without your loved ones here with you where they belong.
Jacquie, my darling little girl. I miss you so very much, and I wonder if I will ever be able to be even half as strong as you are. I miss our talks, sharing treats, sharing secrets and sharing your life with you. Your friends have been truly wonderful. You have a new "little" now, and I hope she knows how very lucky she is to be part of such an amazing group of women. The SDTs are the best, and I know they will always remember you. I know how much they helped you when you were sick, and how much you love them all. It is hard to be with them, though, because you are missing. I know you are forever in my heart, and I am never without you, but to be with them and not have you next to me hurts. I love you, my Jacquie, witth all my heart and soul, and I will love you forever and ever and always, and longer than that. Please come to see me, let me know you are near. I need you. Love, mom
February 14th 2010 - It wasn't the same Jax, it never is. Being back without you and missing your life of the party laugh and missing your smile on the risers seems so hard each time to grasp. It's times like that I can't understand why. Times that you should be somewhere, but aren't, and can't be. It makes me feel angry and sad. But I know that you'd want me to have fun for both of us, so I do....but not without remembering all of our fun times together and all the special memories we made. Just by being able to share that part of our lives together, at the same time and at the same place. I wouldn't have traded that time with you for anything in the world. And even now, I would give all that I have just to see you once more. I hope you still know that I am very proud of you for being so brave and so strong. I try to be, because you were. Hope you are okay, I miss you a lot. Happy Valentines Day Jax. Love Always, your big brother.
ps - Thanks for the card today, I knew it was your way of saying "hi"
February 10th 2010 - Please say a prayer for Scott and his family. Scott, I am so sorry that no one understood your pain. I pray that you are at peace now.
Also, please say a prayer for Zack, his widow and their families. Zack is a 19 year old Marine, who gave his life in Afghanistan, defending our country. Like too many other military parents, they are left to wonder, "why my child". My Jacquie, please look after thesse two new angels. I know you will help them find their way.
February 9th 2010 - 2 years ago today Jacquie and I left for New York City, believing. We believed that we had made the right decision to go to Sloan Kettering for her bone marrow transplant. Jacquie was confident that it was where she needed to be, and we believed in Jacquie. We believed in her strength, her courage and her determination. We believed with every beat of our hearts that we would come home with a new Jacquie- a healthy Jacquie, ready to start living again.
I hope that Jacquie now, believes in us. I hope she believes in our courage, the courage it takes to carry on her fight to make her dream come true. I hope she believes in our strength, the strength that makes us get out of bed every morning, to face another sad and lonely day without her in it. I hope she believes in our determination to fight until leukemia is no more. And I hope she believes that her family and friends will NEVER forget her. We will Never forget the joy and happiness she brought to every life she touched. We will Never forget the lessons she taught, not only her little students, but all of us, of all ages. We will NEVER forget the pain and suffering she endured in her struggle to survive. We will Never forget the wonderful memories she gave us. And we will NEVER forget the reason "WHY" The Jacquie HIrsch For ALL Foundation must continue to grow and continue Jacquie's fight. We must find a cure. To all of you who read this wonderful web site, a tribute to Jacquie by her brother, TJ, please help us to help others remember "WHY" we are doing what we do. We do it for Jacquie, who can no longer fight, for others who are still fighting, and for those who have yet begun their fight.
My Jacquie, my Darling Daughter- everyday, I have to remind myself why. Why I need to get up, and why I need to move forward. And when I stumble and fall, your voice makes me get up and keep going. Your words tell me that you are counting on me. PLEASE don not desert me. Do not leave me to do this alone, because I can't. I am not strong like you and I need to know you are always going to be beside me. I love you, my Jacquie. I love you so very much, and I will love you forever and ever and always, and longer than that. Love, your mom
February 5th 2010 - I was sitting here crying, looking out the window, and wondering why the sunny days hurt so much. I know that Jacquie sends the sunshine when she can, so that our lives are not so dark and gray. But the sunshine is painful too. The brightness should mean joy and happiness. It should mean that life is as it should be. But it is hard to feel that way, when the hole in my heart grows bigger each day. The memories come and sometimes they bring physical pain because they are of times that Jacquie was suffering. I can feel the pain she felt and I couldn't make go away. I can see her trying to smile and make jokes, but barely having the strength to do that. Sometimes, I can hear her laughing with TJ, I can hear them repeating movie lines and enjoying that fact that Torey and I rarely knew what they were talking about. They had their own language, and loved to share their "movie moments" with each other. Torey and I would always ask them how they could remember movie lines so well, but had to work so hard to memorize what they would need to know for their SATs. Jacquie, I am so sorry that I couldn't help you. I am so, so sorry. I miss you so much. I saw someones posting of the words to Kenny Chesney's song, and it it true- sunny days seem to hurt the most. I don't know why you are not hear to feel the sunshine on your face, to take a walk with Shelby and me, to take your car to the carwash to get the salt off, to do all the things that you used to do on a sunny winter day. I am so sorry. I just want to go away from everything and just be with you. I don't want to keep having to go on as if life is ok. I am frustrated at the gym, and I am frustrated that I can seem to get things done that I should be doing. I just want to stop for a while.
My Jacquie, I love you and I will love you forever and ever and always, and longer than that, with all my heart and soul. Love, your mom