August 31st 2010 - I always think about writing to you and wonder what I am going to say on here. It seems that since I'm always thinking about you and talking to you that no matter what I would write, you would already know it.
I had a fun trip last week. It was so nice and warm and relaxing. You would have loved it there Jax. I wish that we could have gone on more vacations. I remember thinking about all the times we would say "when Jacquie gets better" or "when Jacquie can travel" ...we had the whole rest of the world to see, but now we have to do it without you. Angela and I have started training for Kilimanjaro and our hikes have been going pretty good, although I might need to get in a few more if I'm going to make it all the way up to the top it is still really exciting to be a part of something so big, for you. We have some fundraisers planned and some more events and even though it's still 6 months away I can't wait to go. I wonder what it's going to be like to stand all the way up there and be so close to you in heaven?
The 6th will be here soon, I try to avoid thinking about it but its right around the corner. No matter how many days or months or years go by I will remember it like it was yesterday. I sometimes wish I could forget though, but how could I? I don't know how I want to spend the day yet, but I would give my life to be spending it with you. I'm sure mom is going to wat to stay home and dad will go for a ride but I don't want to do either of those things. I don't want to do anything. I just want to see you. I hate to think back and remember how I had to say good-bye, or how we had to leave that night without you. There are so many things we didnt get to do or finish or see. But as you know, we'll keep going, and keep fighting, for you. I love you very much, and I miss you, always. We all do. Keep watching over us Tink and fly high my angel. I Love and miss you.
your big brother.
August 26th 2010 - I saw a poem the other day, and I felt as though the author had witten it for me to say to Jacquie. It was meant to be for her.
If there is happiness in my heart, it's because you helped put it there.
If there is gentleness in my beliefs, it's because you showed me how to care.
If there is understanding in my thinking, it's because you shared your wisdom.
If there is a rainbow over my shoulder, it's because of your outlook and vision.
If there is a knowledge that I can reach out- and I really can make some dreams come true-
it's because I learned from the best teacher of all.
I learned it all from you.
My Darling Jacquie-I still have so many things I want to say to you, so many feeling I want to share with you. I want you to know that you are, without a doubt, one of the best things that ever happened to me in my life. You, TJ and your dad are everything to me. I always knew that wherever you went in life, whatever you chose to do, you would accomplish great things, and you did. You learned that whenever you were in doubt about anything, to trust your intuition and go with your best judgement, because no one knew you better than you knew yourself. You knew to try not to worry if you made a mistake, or had to change direction from time to time, We knew that you still had many more "learning years" ahead of you, at least we thought you had years. You made me feel so special because you knew that if you ever needed help or advice, or just someone to talk to, I would always be here for you in any way that I could be. More than anything, I wish I could see you and tell you while I hold you, "thank you". Thank you for all the smiles and the good times, for the chance to share you life's experiences with you. Thank you for the friendship we share and will always share. Thank you for being the best daughter a mother could ever ask for. No matter what the future brings, whatever difficulties lie ahead now, I will try to do my best to make you proud of me. I will not give up, even though many times I would love to. We will try to get through whatever the upcoming year brings, the way you would want us to, but it would be so much eaiser to deal with if you were at our side with us. Please stay with us.
Jacquie, you are precious to me beyond words, and I will love you forever and ever and always, and longer than that, with all my heart and soul. Goodnight My Angel, sleep tight, I will wait for you in my dreams. Love, your mom
August 21st 2010 - Another Saturday. The 102nd since Jacquie died. I hate Saurdays, Every Saturday I think of our last one with Jacquie. I think of saying goodbye to her, and I think of how much I wanted to go with her. Sadly, another family is now going to be counting days. Kayla died last Sunday, at her home at the age of 21. I don't know if they have yet determined why she died, but she is now an Angel in heaven. And her family and friends are left to ask "why". I didn't know Kayla well, but she was at this years Tinker Ball. She came to share the evening with us, to celebrate Jacquie's life. I don't think she had ever even met Jacquie, but she came to support Jacquie's foundation and her dream. I remember watchng her laugh, and thinking how much she reminded me of Jacquie, and that the two of them would have gotten along so well. I think of her family and all they are going through, and I wish that they didn't have to know how painful their lives will be. I wish they didn't have to say goodbye to Kayla. I wish they didn't have to wonder why her life was cut short when she still had so much to do and see and accomplish. I wish we didn't know what they will have to face in the future. I wish. I wanted to go to the wake, I wanted to see her parents, but I couldn't go. What would I say? How would I be able to tell them how very sorry I am for their loss. What a stupid phrase! It's not a loss, it's a life. How could I go to them, people I have never met before, and tell them my grief is so deep because I am still living through mine? I couldn't find the words to say how sorry I am without being reminded of Jacquie, and that would not be fair to them. So I didn't go. When I can, I will send them a note and I will find the right words to say to them. I hope.
"A daughter needs a mom to teach her that she should know herself better than anyone else does." Yes Jacquie, I think you did. But once again, I don't think you learned that from me.
You always amazed me at how you knew what you wanted, and how to get it. I know that you didn't always feel confident in your decisions and actions, but most of the time you did. You usually knew how you would react to a situation, and could base your response to it by what you wanted the outcome to be. That is not me, not anymore, if ever. I don't know who I am or what I am. I find myself wondering what has become of Sharon. I don't recognize the person I am, and I don't like me this way. There are too many changes in me that I can't control and too many parts of my life that I don't want to continue. My Jacquie, I wish you were here to help me find my way. You could teach me to know myself again, I know you could. There is so much we still haven't done yet, so many times we haven't shared and so many memories we have yet to make. I wish you you make them with me. Yesterday I was so very sad and sepressed, and then I read your guestbook and your friends wrote some messages. I made me smile, because I knew that if they were still writing on your web site, they still remember you. And some of the sadness went away. I still am waiting for you to visit me in my dreams, I hope you come tonight, because I really need you. I miss you, My Jacquie, and I love you. I will love you forever and ever and always, and longer than that, with all my heart and soul. Please don't forget us, we will always be Four. With all my love, mom
August 15th 2010 - It has been a very busy time for us the last month and a half. The Ride for Roswell started our summer off and The Jacquie Hirsch For All Team raised over $24,500 for Roswell. The Tinker Ball came next, another huge success. We are still getting final figures together, but as of now it looks as though our Ball raised about $23,000- WOW!!!! Those funds will go to the foundation and be used for individual donation to patients and families in need, and towards our next gift to Jacquie's Research Project at Roswell. Dr.Wang and Dr. Nowak are gong to be thrilled! The Cruise Against Cancer, held last weekend was incredible. We had over 100 cars, 27 more than last year. We also had a basket raffel, 50/50 raffel, and food. Last year we raised and donated $2300 to Roswell. This year TJ lead about 45 cars in a "parade" down to Roswell after the show and awards were done, and they presented Roswell with a check for $3500!!!! For anyone who has not yet been to a cruise, try to make it next year. It is truly a site to see. Our last fundraiser held yesterday was a garage sale. The gymnastic teams at the gym had their annual fundraiser car wash, so we sold tables to people and had our own fundraiser. Last year we made about $300, this year $434. Each time we hold an event, we have people come to us and tell us what a wonderful thing we are dong, that our cause is so important to continue, and that they are in awe of what we are doing. For everyone reading this, please know that Torey, T.J., Jacquie and I know and BELIEVE with all our hearts, that no matter what we would want to accomplish, or how hard we work, NOTHING would be possible without the never-ending support, work,and help from our family and friends. Our families have given up so much time to be sure these fundraisers succeed. Their weekends are spent blowing up balloons, passing out flyers, making phone calls, writing emails, getting donations, and talking about the foundations to those who don't know why we do what we do. Our friends have helped stuff goody bags, count T-shirts, write thank you notes, make baskets and so much more. We know that no matter how much effort we put into setting up and running an event, it would fail withut those of you who come to it and spend your hard earned money to buy tickets for baskets, 50/50 chances, silent auction items, and foundation merchandise. I think it is Torey, T.J., Jacquie and I who are in awe of all of you. Our ability to continue working towards Jacquie's dream is because of all of YOU. You keep us strong, you keep us determined and you remind us that all things are possible if you BELIEVE. There are no words, only Thank You.
My Darling Daughter Jacquie, it has been a long summer, and it's not over yet. We are already planning for your next events. The Dancers Give Back, Clinic For A Cure, and Vera Party are already being set up. We hope you are pleased and proud of us, all of us- you family and friends. Everyone misses you so veruy much, and is trying so hard to make you see how much we want your dream to come true- for you, for all you went through. I still cannot see why you were taken from us. I don't know that I ever will. But I do know that we will never let you be forgotten and that we will keep working to make our world cancer free. I miss you, My Jacquie. I miss our talks and and miss listening to you share your life with me. I want so much to have you come to me when you get home from being out with your friends and tell me all about your night. I want to go to the mall with you and shop for teaching clothes, and then go out to eat. I want. I wish. I miss you. I will wait to see you in my dreams tonight. I love you, My Jacquie, and I will love you forever and ever and always, and longer than that, with all my heart and soul. Please be proud of us, we are trying so hard for you. Love, your mom
August 10th 2010 - Day 703. Has it really been 703 days since Jacquie was taken from us? It surely must be longer, it must be forever. It has been forever, forever since we touched, or laughed or danced together. Forever since I felt her skin or kissed her head. Forever since our family was whole. I know many of you still think of Jacquie, and that many of you still miss her. But do you even know how hard it is for those who have lost a child to keep going, even after 703 days, The seemingly "little issues" that life throws at us are so much more difficult to handle and cope with. There is that part inside of us that begs to just give up each time we are forced to deal with another "bump in the road". Each time we are reminded of our loved one who is missing, we also are reminded of the lucky ones who have survived, or the "bad people" in our world who don't deserve to survive. The strength we have to get through the difficulties in life comes from our family and those who depend on us. When one of our family are taken from us, some of the strength to keep fighting is taken as well. It is hard to keep moving forward, when eveything inside screams "I want to go back. Back to the way it was before Jacque died". I want to live in the past where there was no pain and heartache, when the four of us were still truly four. When the four of us could do anything, and we could make our dreams come true together. Back when the smile I saw and the laughter I heard was Jacquie's and not a memory. I want to go back, I don't want to have to go forward anymore.
My Darling Jacqueline, try as I may, I feel as though I am failing miserably at trying to live a better life, the way you would want me to. It is so hard to do it without you. I miss you and I don't know what to do, I go to work and do what I have to do, but I just don't know why I bother. I doesn't mean what it used to when you were here, and I can't help but think about all the plans we had. I love you, My Jacquie. I will love you forever and ever and always, and longer than that. I will love you with all my heart and soul and you will never have to doubt my love for you. You will feel my love for you always, and you will live in my heart forever. Love, your mom
August 5th 2010 - The days are long, too long. And they are busy, too busy. There is not enough time to spend at home, and this upsets me and angers me. I feel as though I am leaving Jacquie alone too much. I keep thinking that things will change, but they won't. This is our life and this is the way it will be. I know in my heart that if Jacquie were here, I would feel differently. But she isn't, and I can't help but feel that this is not how I want the rest of my life to be. Each day brings new reminders, memories, of Jacquie and how much she is missed. There are an incredible number of people who miss her and each one of them carries their own memories of what was. When thsese memories are shared with us, it makes me question again- "why"? I couldn't sleep last night, so I was watching "Law and Order". And everytime I watch it, I remember being in New York with Jacquie, because that is where the show takes place. And every once in a while, I recognize someplace we had been to, or passed by, and I wish so much that we could go back to that time. I wish we could have a "do-over". I think of the "firsts" we had there, and the plans we made for coming back. Jacquie had many plans for places to go and things to see once she was better, and didn't have to avoid the crowds. We never had the chance to go back. And Jacquie never had the chance to visit those places. And now in my dreams, I take her there and we do all the things she had planned. But we aren't really there and my heart breaks. I miss her.
My Darling Daughter Jacqueline, I miss you so much. I saw Lorraine and Dawn on Wed. and it made me wish you were with us. I love you, My Jacquie, and I will love you, with all my heart and soul, forever and ever and always, and longer than that. I am waiting for you in my dreams and I know you know how much I need you to stay with me and not ever leave me. I love you, love your mom